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NEW AUTHORS SHOWCASE
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16-11-08 12M P9
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That’s Life by Carole Allen |
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TERMS AND CONDITIONS
I went to buy a car last week at the local car shop centre My interest fell upon a sign before I could even enter It was a sign just large enough to let it catch my eye It said that if I want a car, “Terms and Conditions” apply
So off I went with begging bowl to ask my local bank If I could have some money to put a tiger in my tank I agreed to sign on dotted line and before the ink was dry I saw in tiny newsprint “Terms and Conditions” apply
I signed up for the Internet and tried to get cheap telly The salesman on the telephone he had a lot of welly He tried to offer lots of things he thought that I would buy But made sure that he told me “Terms and Conditions” apply
I see the adverts on T.V. to make me spend my money The ads are very tempting and some are very funny But listening to the silky voices makes me want to cry At the end of every one they say “Terms and Conditions” apply
So now I’m getting jittery and can’t help begin to worry About getting to the pearly gates For which I’m in no hurry What if I turn up there and I’m greeted with a sigh “Sorry but you can’t come in, Terms and Conditions apply!”
THE INTERNET
Now I have the internet I’m getting quite confused Regarding all the log-ins and passwords that I use Every single website has a different one And trying to remember them is really not much fun
Whether it’s my shopping, gas bill or a fine Each and everything I want I now can get on-line In fact it’s so addictive I never leave the house My life consists of relying on a tiny little mouse
Was that password “teddy bear” or maybe it was “fair” All I know is that right now I’m pulling out my hair My brain is really muddled and I’m totally in the dark ‘Cos all that I keep getting is a red exclamation mark
What a problem passwords are, I’m really in a spin I just can’t remember last time what password I put in I’ll have to call the centre and tell them of my plight But last time that I did it, I was on the phone all night
So now I’ll have to try again and this time it’s the bank Who’s asking for particulars of my name and rank I’m sure I know the password and haven’t any doubt But now I find I’m wrong again, I’ve just been frozen out
Tell you what, I’ll start again, go back to the beginning I’m tired of this technology, a race I’m just not winning I’ll have to do it step by step and maybe different stages But now I think, oh what the heck, I’ll stick to Yellow Pages!
CREDIT CRUNCH
I now have a new credit card but I’m not supposed to spend The media keep on telling us that the spending must now end I keep meaning to pay it off but temptation always lures For me to cut it up in bits would be the only cure
Don’t spend what you haven’t got is what we always hear But the feckless spending of the past has cost us all quite dear Assets and liabilities are the words that come to mind Please don’t overstretch yourself or the future won’t be kind
So you have the large house and the big car on parade Is it all affordable or just one grand charade? Are you the sort of person close to the wind you sail? And dread it every morning when opening your mail
You’ve taken out a mortgage five times higher than you earn But you know you can’t afford it, will you never learn? The bills keep piling up each day and seem to never end But you know that it is o.k. if you can show off to your friends
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Just keep borrowing to the hilt they encouraged at the time There’s no more debtors’ prisons, it no longer is a crime I can turn a blind eye to everything that’s owed But now it’s not so easy, you’re reaping what you sowed
So just try to be careful, cut down on your costs You know that if you don’t adhere everything could be lost Stay in and watch the telly, take sandwiches for lunch ‘Cos that’s the only way you’re going to beat the Credit Crunch
HANGOVER
I’ve got a terrible hangover, my god what have I done? I knew I should have refused that very last one It sent me over the top a bit, had me singing on the table I should have stuck with one or two, been more sober and more stable
Things looked pretty rosy through the alcoholic mist I lost count of all the passers-by and waiters that I kissed I fell down on the pavement, my knickers on full view I was laughing all the time and the crowd was laughing too
What was really tempting was the karaoke song I leapt up on the stage and everyone sang along “I will survive” I shouted, my actions so intense But my friends told me the next day that not a word made any sense
Our Friday night was in full swing when my memory seemed to lapse Was it just before the meal that I finally collapsed? I really can’t remember what the curry tasted like And the ride home in the taxi felt like such a hike
Oh what a night we had when the town was painted red I think it was about 4.00 a.m. when I finally got to bed Fumbling for the house keys, stilettos slung aside And when the ceiling started spinning, I think I almost died
My head is on the pillow and I cannot make it rise Please don’t open the curtains and let the light into my eyes Make sure all the doors are closed so there isn’t any noise Oh what a price I’m paying for my alcoholic joys
TRAFFIC
The weekend away was looming, it would make a lovely change Only a couple of hours away but well within our range The bag was all packed for the weekend, trendy clothes for going out Jumpers and jeans for the daytime, for walking out and about
We started out rather early, giving us plenty of time to arrive But first we had to navigate the horrendous M25 As soon as our car hit the slipway and we saw the terrible queue Our first thought was to turn back and reverse a few metres or two
Slap bang in the heart of the traffic, the car was just standing still Bumper to bumper with lorries was not my idea of a thrill The other side were all looking and they were slowing down too What if we’re here for hours and I need to go to the loo?
The man in the car right behind us was in the car all alone He was picking his nose in the mirror whilst on his mobile phone The bulletin came on the radio telling us where not to drive And mentioned the spot we were stuck in but we had already arrived
“Road-works will be here for six months” the sign gave us a flash The man in front of us braked hard and it nearly caused us to crash We’d been out for almost an hour but were only five minutes from home And when the traffic started moving there were hundreds of traffic cones
We eventually arrived in the evening, it had taken six hours or more We would have even been happy if it had only taken us four Arriving at our destination, the steam hissing out of our ears What should have taken two hours seemed like it had taken two years
Checking in at reception, frazzled and pulling our hair The M25 is a dangerous place, drive on it if you dare ‘Cos don’t ever think you can plan a lovely weekend away Make sure that you think of the traffic, which will take you another day! |