Sample:
The following is an extract from my website: www.wayswomenorgasm.org, which I would hope to use as a basis for a book about female sexuality and women’s experiences of sex:
A forum for sharing experiences
WaysWomenOrgasm is a forum for women of all ages who want to understand their sexuality, by sharing their sexual
experiences and learning from others.
On WaysWomenOrgasm you will find:
A fresh approach to understanding female sexuality
Discussion topics illustrating a range of women’s experiences of sex
Supporting quotations from sex experts
WaysWomenOrgasm provides a better understanding of female sexuality by exploring how women can enjoy their own arousal and orgasm within a loving relationship with their partner.
By relating the published opinions of the experts to a series of discussion topics, the author is able to present conclusions that more accurately reflect women’s real-life experiences than those found elsewhere.
WaysWomenOrgasm is for those who believe that, within the context of a healthy relationship and appropriate
contraception, young women today are entitled to enjoy their sexuality to the full. The site aspires to be open-minded but there is nothing that should offend.
WaysWomenOrgasm makes suggestions for improving the quality of sexual relationships. A key assumption is that
individuals and couples are working on their sex life within the context of being informed about the basic sexual facts and within an emotional environment that is reasonably stable and healthy.
WaysWomenOrgasm is for couples currently in a positive relationship, whether that relationship is only a few months old or has existed for decades. Good sex relies on the goodwill of both partners who need to be willing to invest personal effort in open communication and in contemplating new ideas.
Our sexuality
Men and women, quite evidently, have very different sexual responses. To make the most of our sexual relationships, it is important to acknowledge these differences.
This section discusses the following aspects of women’s sexuality:
Motivation and attitude: women’s lower libido means that they have much more choice over the extent to which they
explore their sexuality.
Masturbation: since many women never discover masturbation (and therefore orgasm) they often place an emotional
interpretation on their experiences of sex.
Arousal to orgasm: our understanding of women’s arousal is often obscured by what we would like it to be - fantasy rather than reality.
Women do not make use of pornography or any other erotic source, either for arousal or for more general perusal, anything like as much as men. Women also have a more conscious choice over their sexual arousal and not every woman chooses to explore her sexuality. Despite all the hype, the fact is that women have a lower libido than men and naturally find both arousal and orgasm more elusive.
As our bodies develop differently through puberty, young men and women become aware of themselves as very different sexual beings. When a boy reaches puberty his penis increases in size and he experiences erections. Boys start having
erections as early as 8 or 9. Later, through trial and error, they discover ejaculation. By the age of 12 or 13, most boys have learned how to enjoy their own sexual arousal and orgasm through masturbation.
There is no similar natural trigger for a girl to focus on her genitals or on her sexual arousal. When girls reach puberty they get breasts and periods. These changes are linked to a woman’s child-bearing role and many people define female sexuality purely in terms of this reproductive capacity.
So while most young men are quite naturally motivated to explore their own arousal and orgasm through masturbation, most young women are, just as naturally, more focused on exploring their relationships with others. As a consequence, men and women approach sex from very different perspectives. If a couple has some understanding of the different rewards that men and women obtain from sex, they can make sure that there is a balance of giving and receiving in their sex life.
Orgasm with a partner
Orgasm is not the critical goal for women that it typically is for men. So women will invest in their sexual relationship, even without orgasm, if they feel good about the relationship in general.
This section provides some background to women’s experience of sex with a partner:
Clitoral stimulation: most women need direct clitoral stimulation for orgasm.
Using fantasy during sex: some women also use quite surreal fantasies to achieve orgasm.
Not all women succeed: as a result of the above many women never orgasm with a partner.
Being more relaxed about orgasm, means that women have more time to enjoy their own arousal during sex play with a partner. So lack of orgasm need not be the problem it first appears, once the facts are accepted. Over time though, a man needs to ensure that he offers some sensual sex play and pleasuring focused on his partner’s arousal so that sex holds some rewards for her.
Men tend to approach sex already fully aroused and this gives them a natural advantage. With less need for orgasm and a lower orgasmic ability, women have more time to enjoy their partner arousing them. While men can usually hope for
orgasm from their sexual encounters, most women learn to settle for the more diffused sensations of arousal.
Given the fact that women do not enjoy sexual release as easily through intercourse as men do, it is logical that women would need to enjoy other aspects of sex (sensual massage and arousal) with a partner. This does not mean that women do not seek orgasm in general but that they accept that it is difficult to achieve through sex with a partner. This has certainly been my experience.
Keeping sex intimate
Sex is relatively straightforward in the first 10 years or so. In longer-term relationships, sex can become limited in
imagination and spontaneity, partly through habit and partly through poor communication. Over time, a couple will need to put in a little extra effort to spice up their sex life. This may involve investing in other areas of the relationship first.
This section talks about keeping sex alive in long-term relationships:
Orgasm in perspective: especially over time, a woman can come to appreciate erotic sex play even if orgasm is missing.
Outside the bedroom: for women to feel amenable to sex they want a man to invest in the romantic and companionable
aspects of the relationship.
Inside the bedroom: given that the rewards of a sexual relationship tend to have a strong male bias, men should expect to
invest effort in making sex a more equally rewarding activity for the woman.
Men approach sex eagerly anticipating their physical pleasure. Women’s approach to sex involves more willingness to give. Put bluntly, for a woman to want to demonstrate her love for a partner through sex she must feel that she has been a receiver somewhere else in the relationship.
If your sexual relationship has broken down, you need to start right back at the beginning. No one is likely to engage in sex as a loving act if there are issues in the wider relationship. The first step in revitalising any couple’s sex life is to go along to relationship therapists to talk through the general issues.
Events in the past cannot be changed but it can help if each partner acknowledges what has happened and appreciates how the other person felt about the situation. Once the big issues have been resolved, decide together to invest some effort in the time you spend together generally. Put off addressing any change to your sex life until there is a firm foundation for the wider relationship. Wait until you feel some sexual anticipation returning to the relationship.
I realised that if I wanted my partner to support me in my ambitions for family (which naturally included plans for his money and efforts) then it was reasonable that I should be willing to contribute towards his ambition for an active sex life. It’s important to recognise that men do not gain the same personal rewards from family life that women typically do.
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