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NEW AUTHORS SHOWCASE
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01-03-09 12M p129 |
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Kalinka and the Castle Condom by Jonnie Dansie |
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Kalinka evolved from my memories of ‘Jane’ in the post war Daily Mirror; Jenny Agutter in ‘Walkabout’; ‘Moll Flanders’; ‘Barbarella’; and the waitress at ‘La Lanterna’ restaurant. She indulges her sensuality in the way that only a true innocent can. This story, the first of three volumes, takes place long before Kalinka became an icon. Now of course it is the ambition of every male in the universe to make at least one visit to the original infamous ‘House of Pleasure’ in Penge, to meet the cosmic superstar and sample her extensive range of sensuous, not to say unusual, intergalactic delights before the old lady finally passes into the black hole she has specifically purchased for her funeral wake. This event is expected to be the biggest ever celebration of any kind ever held in this or any other galaxy. The visual and sonic rights to the funeral alone, sold by Kalinka many years ago, were enough to purchase for her thirty or forty moderately sized solar systems. I say ‘thirty or forty’ because the exact size of Kalinka’s real estate is unknown to all but her and her accountant and is far more extensive than a few meager solar systems.
CHAPTER 1 THE GROWTH OF THE SHRINKING CONDOM This short book is the first Kalinka story and it tells of a part of Kalinka’s history long before the time when she became famous as the most notorious, heroic and, at the same time, admired woman in the universe and the Madam of the very first ‘Intergalactica’ House of Pleasure. It is important, before you can understand how Kalinka became what she is, to have some insight into her modest beginnings. Only then can you appreciate the wonderful transformation that took place in her. At the time our story begins Kalinka worked in the gigantic Castle Condom factory. That is to say that the factory was gigantic and not the condoms it manufactured. It needed, originally, to be large because it was built to be the only provider of condoms in the land. As the population of England declined, following the wars, its remaining inhabitants, other than a few isolated lunatics, who called themselves Cots or Velshmen migrated towards its historic and grandiose capital, Penge. Despite the falling population two conflicting factors persuaded the Supreme Master Plan Committee to maintain overall output-levels of condoms. In the first place, there was a planned population growth of the intellectual elite, and, although this had not yet been achieved, it remained an overall objective. Secondly, there was an aimed for reduction in the manual labour force over the following fifty years. Manual labour was, in the medium term, intended to be replaced by machinery. It was possible, however, that everything would not go according to plan. For instance the advanced machinery might not be ready on time and the intellectual breeding programme might be more successful than desired. If this were to be the case then there would be an inadequate number of Drones in existence to produce the increased number of condoms required to curtail any population explosion. For safety’s sake, therefore, it was decided to defer the reduction in the number of Drones and, until the long term plan could be put back on track, follow the cautious path and build up substantial condom reserve stocks. Although the factory had the capacity to make condoms of the larger sizes, should that ever be necessary, the facility had not been used for several months. It was generally agreed, and therefore accepted as part of the Master Plan, that penile size varied indirectly with brain capacity and so for the most part it was considered desirable to develop males with smaller penises. Indeed, if a female was selected to produce an offspring she would elect a partner with a tiny penis. To do otherwise would be to risk social exclusion. Penises were, therefore, getting smaller and smaller and there was an ever increasing need for an ever decreasing size of condom. This remained the case even though fitting problems were beginning to be experienced and condoms were having to be developed which adhered to the pubic bone so that they did not fall off their tiny masters during statutory reproductive practice sessions. An added bonus attached to the development of the much heralded minuscule penis was that, if ever people had derived any pleasure from sexual activity at all, they now hardly noticed that it was happening. This, it was considered, would contribute to the overall objective in the Master Plan of calming down society so that life could be lived on a rational and compliant basis. The condom machines producing the larger product were therefore used only if strong drones were intermitently necessary to implement the more mundane future work projects outlined in the Master Plan. There was little need for gigantic condoms now. The work of the drones was largely taken over by machines and the large condom runs (that is to say the large condoms, not the large runs) were a rare occurrence. Other methods of inducing disinterest were used instead. A few particularly large Drones with particularly docile minds and particularly large penises had been selected for the standby emergency breeding programme as and when necessary. The rest had been treated from the age of twelve with a periodic temporary brain treatment, known as brain-chilling, to eliminate too much thinking and any nasty destructive lingering sexual desire that might interfere with the safe and hygienic development of the new generation of logic-driven people who fitted the plan’s specifications perfectly. The female drones had been treated in a similar way and only a few were currently physically fertile. Of these none were emotionally fertile unless prompted by the call to duty from a superior being. Kalinka, not having been discovered to be destructive until she reached the age of thirteen, had somehow passed the brain chilling process by and was not, therefore, on the official rota for periodic booster chilling. This oversight and her Drone status, together with the fact that she had been partially educated, resulted in her being considered somehow ‘not quite human.’ She had caused the management of the Castle Condom factory endless trouble. She had, time after time, been reported to the Department of the Master Plan, but the Supreme Master Plan Committee, which ran the nation from Penge, was far too busy with the overall scheme for the next fifty years to be bothered with one renegade female Drone. There was an urgent need for more engineers, doctors, surveyors and lawyers and an ever increasing number of database operators and computer programmers were wanted to select the best possible breeding programme and to produce the right number and right size of condoms for the unpleasant civic obligation for educated people to indulge in one sexual practice act every six weeks to avoid the onset of impotence among the intelligentsia. It was not likely that more Drones would be required. Indeed, the last time that the giant condom machine (the machine that produced giant condoms, that is, not the giant machine), had been used was when Kalinka, in a fit of tedium, had herself organised a run of two hundred of the eleven inch variety, filled them with water, knotted them and dropped them on to the workers developing the tiny Clingster condoms for the educational elite two floors below. Kalinka was a Condomeer First Class in charge of six Condomers Second Class. She worked to Chief Condomeer Berkeley, a handsome taciturn Drone male of magnificent proportions who had been retained at the factory with a few others of his kind so that any improbable requirement for more young Drones could be satisfied under proper supervision and at any time. While Chief Berkeley was giving Kalinka a dressing down for her inexplicable behaviour, Kalinka suddenly had an irrepressible and irrational urge to blurt out “Well, why don’t you spank my ass then?” Kalinka was not given to repressing irrepressible urges, so that is exactly what she did say. There was a long pause. Kalinka blushed brilliantly. Chief Condomeer Berkeley stared her in the eyes. She replied in the same manner. He ordered her to turn round; then to bend over. Kalinka’s hair would normally bristle at being ordered to do anything, but in this case she felt a gush of exhilaration as he rested his left hand on her shoulder and another bigger gush when she felt his fingers touch her buttock, (which she wriggled with pleasure to encourage him). There was a sudden ripping sound from her boiler suit bottoms. And then nothing! Chief Condomeer Berkeley had ripped from Kalinka’s backside her Condomeer First Class badge. She was to be immediately downgraded to Condomeer Third Class, the lowest grade of all, and was to have her ration of proteeno pills substituted with vegenoid, which was thought to cause the lesser amount of stimulation of the two food substitutes available to Drones. Kalinka had nothing left to lose. “Shall I take that as an indication of disinterest then?”
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