|
NEW AUTHORS SHOWCASE |
|
09-12-03 12M (p3) |
|
Watch Out for the Bulls by Michael Dawkes |
|
Synopsis: Heaven, October 2001. God convened a meeting to discuss the plight of the planet he calls Blue. Appalled, he sends a messenger. Because of the situation in the Middle East (his preferred start-point for change), he instructed the chosen one, a certain Mr Wong, to take his message to the citizens of the EU. Mr Wong tells those who would listen that God will create Euroheaven, where ‘the French will be the cooks’ and of Federal Hell, where ‘the Germans will be the police’ and dry-slope ski jumping is compulsory. The story hinges on the advent of Euroheaven coinciding with the advent of the Euro and the biggest autobahn traffic accident of the century at a crossing point on the German/Austrian border. The accident became known as ‘the Super Cheese Ball Crash’. Two hundred and six died and two of the victims were English. Only three entered Euroheaven. Postponement of the project loomed.
Chapter 1 Let us establish some common ground. Do we all know a couple of lines from that informative hymn, the one that goes, ‘God moves in mysterious ways – His wonders to perform’? We do? Good. Creationists, those who believe that he made heaven, hell and planet Earth in six days, would probably wish me to add that he also moves very quickly; so I have. Do you ever wonder why he suddenly stopped making those rather oblique but influential personal appearances to selected individuals such as Moses? Me too. Have you heard if anyone reliable or important has claimed recently to have had a revelatory conversation with a burning bush? No? Nor me. Another thing; do you, like me, think that it has been far too long since he used a charismatic third party – like Jesus, Mohammed or Billy Graham – in order to make his private views public? I mean, don’t we need expert advice more than ever? I’d begun to think that he just didn’t give a damn. Well I was wrong. He does give a damn. And I know that you’ll be as excited as I was to learn that he’s become pro-active again. However, unless you are an adherent of the cult of Messengerism, as I am, our opinions from hereon might not be so convergent. We may even choose to differ. For although you may be as thrilled by all this as I was – nay, I was ecstatic – I have to tell you that in my case the gloss has worn off rather quickly. When I first discovered that he’d moved ‘mysteriously’ and ‘quickly’ in order to create the wonder that is Euroheaven, no one could have been more appreciative and supportive than I. Now I’m angry enough to suggest that if his decision to go ahead with this much needed Afterlife project was made in haste, his postponement of what we European Messengerites consider to be ‘a bold new approach’ was even hastier. But hallelujah, at least he’s done something. You may be asking yourself; what caused him to abandon his role as jaded spectator or disinterested bystander? Why would he suddenly engage solely with us; small, privileged section of mankind that we EU citizens are? And why would he send only a relatively un-charismatic third party in the persona of Mr Wong to tell us about his new arrangements for the Afterlife? I will deal with all of these important issues. If you have other questions I’ll put you in touch with Mr Wong himself, later on, if necessary, via his website, if it’s finally up and running. In the meantime I am quite sure that most of your anxiety about your own potential Afterlife will have disappeared after you read this account. Now if you’re looking for one very compelling reason why he decided to act, please be assured that the desperate state of this planet that we call Earth was reason enough. But even this was only partly correct. The decisive factor – and you may find this difficult to believe – was a letter to a newspaper. Upon its publication he sprang into action as only a proper god can. And how often do we say that it’s all about timing? In late summer of 2001, just as our Maker was conducting his bi-millennial inspection of this planet that he calls Blue, it happened. Bang, bang, bang – what the fuck was that, that and that? Each ‘that’ represented 9/11. Unbelievably, a bunch of ultra-fanatical supporters of an eastern branch of the Global Organised Religion Business – he calls it the GORB – managed to kill about three thousand people. Then they had the audacity to suggest they had done it ‘in his name’… And God foresaw yet another nasty, ungodly bout of fratricide as brother killed brother and despoiled Blue even more. And he despaired.
Sample paragraphs concerning the Super Cheese Ball Crash (Chapter 12)
…The interested parties – God, Satan and all the angels of the Armageddon – watched from On High, aware of the implications that this Autobahn crash on Earth might have for the new system in Paradise and the Nether Regions. The time of the accident was the critical factor, at least so far as I am concerned…
…Alberto was now immensely tired and had difficulty seeing things clearly. He was still in the outside lane. With the snow pounding into his truck’s laminated windscreen he passed under the gantry that housed the ‘HGV Customs Control Next Exit’ warning light without even seeing the gantry. That was not his fault. As he’d approached it, the sign had been deactivated. He had no intention of following the sign’s instructions anyway, but had he at least seen it he might have considered slowing down. As he hammered towards the crossing point at ninety-nine kilometres per hour, a car began to overtake him on the inside…
…At the sound of the klaxon, members of the Kufstein Oompah band paused to marvel at the purity and longevity of the note until someone muttered, ‘Very nice, but it’s not a proper A.’…
… From Bruno Feldsklammer, Customs Officer (retired and dead): “I was marooned in snow-covered open ground a mere ten metres from the control centre and probably the first cheese-borne fatality. I was struck-down by a low-flying Gouda cheese wheel that hit me full in the chest and became stuck, therein. Lying on my back in the snow I gazed at the melting cheese with some astonishment. The smell reminded me of my favourite meal – cheese fondue – and I was forced to smile, even though I knew that I had just completed my last tour of the base.”…
…As the firework display to celebrate the advent of the euro was about to commence from Fortress Kufstein in spite of the atrocious weather, resilient pyrotechnical experts were amazed to see a wondrous glow billow up in the north-west, followed by a very impressive bang. They nodded in appreciation and one went so far as to say, ‘That was no Roman candle. That was a very German candle.’ |
