Brief Outline;
The Magic Bus it is an adult comical novel set within the imaginary world of two warring medieval kingdoms, Sargorea and Mamolia. Sargorea is a secular and largely free Kingdom, whereas Mamolia is controlled by an austere and repressive religious regime known as the Babooists. The people of Mamolia are ruled over by an egocentric and slightly psychotic King known as Keith, who is strictly controlled by the Babooist priests. For many generations a succession of powerful Mamolian priests and their puppet Kings have been obsessed with conquering Sargorea and converting its population to their own beliefs and way of life, that of a strict adherence to the Babooist faith. Through the centuries they have continually failed in their endeavours to achieve this. However, Keith discovers that the statue of a small boy (an ancestor of the Royal family known as the Pissing Boy ) holds strange magical powers. He begins to harness these powers which eventually enable the Mamolians under his direction to defeat the Sargoreans and invade their country.
The story begins with the Sargoreans, against all odds, defeating the Mamolians in battle. Two Sargorean petty criminals (Archie, a stable hand and Bruce, a toilet cleaner) are mistakenly credited for the victory and are treated as heroes. However, despite this initial victory, within a few days the Mamolians launch another attack and successfully invade Sargorea. Archie and Bruce together with a batty Sargorean wizard known as Nobby, manage to escape the invasion and embark on a mission to save Sargorea from the Mamolians. This involves travelling back in time aboard a London double-decker bus which has been converted into a time machine and attempting to steal the Pissing Boy so that the invasion maybe prevented.
Chapter 1
The shocked and bewildered Sargorean King sat steadfast and determined on his white steed while explosions rang out around him. The air was filled with a horrific mixture of mud, blood and the various body parts of what remained of his elite 9th cavalry. Chaos and panic rained as his troops, realising the absolute futility of the situation, began to throw down their obviously useless weapons and run as fast as they could in the opposite direction. Despite his own gut feeling and the continual hints from his by now extremely twitchy mount the king held fast in a desperate attempt to set an example to his troops, to somehow engender courage and bravery in face of such frightening adversity. His white steed, which was by now more of a dirty brown colour, did not agree with his stance concerning the present situation and was fast beginning to feel his master was nothing more than a complete imbecile. However, fearing the consequences of acting upon his true feelings, the horse lacked the courage to throw the King from his back and leg it along with everyone else. As he watched the strange and frightening beast that was annihilating the Sargorean troops in the distance slowly approach he decided the only option was to close his eyes and put himself in a nice place.
As the last of the ineffectual Sargorean arrows bounced off the impenetrable outer skin of the chieftain tank the archers dropped their bows and ran back towards and then past the king ignoring his commands. The Mamolian general inside the tank screamed ATTACK FIRE FASTER FIRE ATTACK FASTER FIRE at its operators, two very confused, scared and lost squaddies, who were struggling to get their heads around the fact that although they’d started the day training with Her Majesty’s armed forces on Salisbury plain, England, they were now fighting what seemed to be a very real battle in a strange foreign looking land with a bunch of marauding hordes in silly outfits who kept threatening them with sharp implements. The general barked his orders and the squaddies anxiously and hurriedly responded. He could hardly believe his luck in finding a contraption so powerful and impenetrable. The further the tank advanced the more excited and animated he became, he was becoming completely consumed and feverish with excitement, he just couldn’t believe how powerful this new weapon was! The possibilities! As ideas of a coup d’etat, being crowned king of Mamolia and even world domination were beginning to form in his head he decided that in future it would be a good idea to bring a change of underwear with him to the battlefield. He raised himself up through the entrance hatch and surveyed the battlefield. He could hardly believe his eyes, Baboo will be pleased he told himself as he looked around at all the dead infidels. With Baboo s help, and of course a few chieftain tanks, the Sargorean nation would soon be brought to its knees, it s population would witness the power of Baboo and be forced to convert to Babooism, he thought. FORWARD! he screamed at the squaddies. The tank rolled on followed by what now appeared to be an almost superfluous legion of infantrymen.
“Bored bored bored BORRRRRED,” cried the Mamolian King wiping the blood of his court jester from his sword, “why can’t we release that I forget his name that entertainer I found? He was fantastic, he was the best entertainer I’ve ever had the good fortune to witness.”
“I’m inclined to agree with you Sire, he was by far the best, but I m afraid the priests felt he was too provocative said one of his aids.”
“Provocative! Huh! He was an amazing singer of songs the like of which has surely never been seen,” said the King
“It was his movement, his dancing Sire, the priests didn’t like the way he moved his hips.”
“Bloody priests the King mumbled to himself as he slumped onto his throne.”
“Perhaps you should have spent the day at the battlefield with general Blagg, Sire.” suggested one of his courtiers.
“Oh I’m sick of going to the battle! It s just the same old same old! I wouldn’t mind if we won occasionally, I just fancied doing something different for a change this Saturday,” he said, “besides I can t stand Blagg! He s always shouting!”
“Forgive me sire but the war with Sargorea is more than just a series of events performed for our entertainment. May I remind you that Sargorea is a nation of infidels who are ruled by an immoral heathen! As such sire, it is our duty as Babooists to overthrow the Sargorean kingdom and enlighten its ignorant people to the ways of our lord Baboo. As the good book says go forth with a big shiny sharp thing (or if thou is struggling to acquire a big shiny sharp thing because they happen to be in short supply as a result of trade union action, shops being closed or simply a reduction in demand resulting from possible future changes in the market, then some other kind of deadly weapon) and enlighten the peoples of the world with my word and convert them to the truth, the light and the way that is Baboo’s, way quoted one of his advisors.
“Oh I suppose so.” bloody religion, he thought, “but stop calling me SIRE ! How many times have I got to tell you I want to be known as Keith!”
“But your name’s Lesley dear!” said the king’s mother looking up from her knitting. There were a few sniggers around the room, Keith turned quickly to catch the culprits and eyed the straight faces of his courtiers with suspicion before turning and replying to his mother,
“I don t want to be called Lesley! I hate it! I just like the name Keith and I certainly don t want to be called sire it s too formal!” with that he turned and stormed out of the room...