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NEW AUTHORS SHOWCASE

 

25-10-06

12M

p6

A Book of Unusual Lists and other  assorted trivia…

By

Elizabeth Hardy

Synopsis:

 

I see this book as a compilation of the fascinating world of lists (whether real or imaginary!) and a collection of bizarre and unusual facts. Well - mostly facts, although some might say slight (or even massively exaggerated) stretches of the truth... see for yourself anyway! I have presented the book really as just a random assortment of lists, mostly gathered from my own thoughts and ideas. Other subjects are presented as random "fun" articles with an added twist or two of humour and a large chunk of "tongue in cheek",... not to be taken too seriously!
Aimed at anyone really who has some kind of sense of humour ... or maybe is thinking of trying to get one!  Enjoy!...

Some (anonymous and totally fictional!..) comments on this book:
it helped me with my PhD in English Literature
what a load of crap!
(randomly!..) interesting
does anyone know the number of a good psychiatrist?
(strangely!..) fascinating!
who was the inventor of lollipops again?
From the Author
I have always been fascinated by trivia and the unusual or bizarre! hence this book, which is I suppose, a compilation of all this and more. So here goes, in no particular order, completely at random, without rhyme nor reason! As they say it does what it says on the tin!

They don t have knees! ..
Worms
Pints of lager
Chairlegs
Balloons
Dust particles
Sponges
Light bulbs
Grass
Paperclips
Oranges

Things to do to prevent boredom ..
Eat cheese on toast
Change all the light bulbs in the house
Plait the dog s fur
Defrost the fridge
Make a list of all your CD s
Learn to juggle
Sleep

Unusual names for your dog
Eamon
Clive
Bunnykins
Tufty
Maureen

Scary women
Cherie Blair
Anne Widdecombe
Ann Robinson
Margaret Thatcher

Scary men
George W Bush

Unusual sandwich fillings
Cheese & chocolate spread
Cornflakes
Goldfish
Red cabbage
Ice cream
Rice pudding
Sawdust
Blancmange
Pilchard & mayonnaise
Sausage & custard

Strange but true!
short skinny blokes make the scariest bosses
You are never less than 40 feet away from a rat
Trains are always on time whenever you are late
Every family has an Auntie Betty .. (especially at weddings!)..
Everyone has too many coat hangers
All chinese chipshops are closed on Tuesdays

Foods you should never eat in company
Soup
Baked beans
Spaghetti bolognaise
Corn on the cob
Custard
Ice cream
Hot curries
Anything yellow or orange

Collective Nouns?? (or they should be! )
A squawk of violinists
A hover of helicopters
A crosswire of telephones
A location of maps
A multitude of sins
A redness of brunettes
An indecision of politicians
An ascension of escalators
A pondering of tortoises
A boredom of teenagers

Non-anagrams (but funny if they were!..)
domesticated man .. mad and sad as cats
bottle of wine did it .. wobbled unfit to bed
Great Yarmouth .. my! Thou art gray!
A hall of mirrors eek! .. Ok room is hell for me!
George W Bush huffs .. He begs for huge row
Poisoned arrow .. War is open door
Oops! Bad hair day .. Had a dry shampoo

10 things which have no purpose
snapped elastic
lettuce
green ink biros
plastic fruit
fingerless gloves
straightened paperclips
wet newspaper
vegetarian sausages
politicians
golf

10 ideas for new greetings cards
Well done on your reverse vasectomy!
Oops! Sorry you were sacked (again! )
Congratulations! Heard you had your first parking fine!
Happy new facelift
Sorry to hear the news of your bigamous marriage
Well done! another piercing
Now that your holiday tan has faded
Congratulations on the arrival of your new designer kitchen
Just to say thanks for the loan of your socks

Bad Luck! Dumped for a younger model
(useful) objects that lack sparkle
a piece of toast
ashtray

toothpick
binbag
coathanger
boot polish
picture hook
doorstop
bookends
storage boxes

some unusual place names
Little Bongs (Liverpool)
Pity Me (County Durham)
Pinn (Devon)
Smug Oak (Hertfordshire)
Snailbeach (Shropshire)
Bottom Head (Lancashire)
Loggerheads (Staffordshire)
The Bog (Shropshire)
Pott Shrigley (Derbyshire)
Thornton-le Beans (North Yorkshire)

Animals which make cute pets
Budgie
Puppy
Kitten
Hamster
Guinea pig
Tortoise
Rabbit
Goldfish
Gerbil
duckling
Shetland pony
Chinchilla

and some that definitely don t!
piranha
tarantula
stick insect
locust
black widow spider
mosquito
vulture
parasite
hairy mammoth
slug
cockroach
amoeba

12 androgenous names
Leslie (Lesley)
Chris
Jo(e)
Ashley (Ashleigh)
Lee (Leigh)
Frances (Francis)
Nick (Nicky)
Sean (Sian)
Bobbie
Robyn (Robin)
Jordan
Pat

10 different ways of expressing colour
pink lady
bowling green
simply red
whiter shade of pale
pot black
scarlet o hara
fade to grey
purple rain
sing the blues
mellow yellow

unusual uses for a marshmallow
bathplug
mowing the lawn
salad dressing
pillow
hair dye
wear as slippers
use as a bookmark
babysitter
carry the shopping
drinking partner

10 things which WILL fit into a matchbox
ant
drawing pin
paper clip
stamp
coin
grain of rice
pasta shell
nail clippings
air
matches
 

and 10 which DON’T!
phone box
lampshade
sleeping bag
elephant
VW Beetle
Luxembourg
A live rabbit
A dead rabbit
Cheese sandwich
Tony Blair

Things to learn before you are 5!
Jump on the spot
Fasten your top button
Dress yourself
Eat yoghurt
Blow bubbles
Help to bath a baby
Skip using a rope
Write your own name
Burst a balloon
Stroke a rabbit

Things to try when you can t sleep
Paint the bathroom
Do the ironing
Invent a time machine
Learn Swahili
Read the entire works of Shakespeare
Get drunk
Report yourself to the police
Write a No. 1 hit
Learn to play the drums
Say the alphabet backwards

Get revenge on your ex-boss!
Send them a how are you these days text message at 3am every day for a week
Invite everyone else you worked with -apart from them for a reunion lunch
Report them to Personnel as a parting gesture on your last day

Send an email saying if I never see you again it will be too soon!

You know they are posh when
They wear special clothes to do the gardening (especially shoes )
They always drink tea from a cup and saucer (never a mug!)
They always use Harrods shopping bags even though they don t shop there
They have a daily help even though Mrs Posh doesn’t go out to work!
They understand the rules of cricket

Ten people not to be marooned on a desert island with!
Sven Goran Erikson
Tony Blair
Margaret Thatcher
Michael Winner
Michael Barrymore
James Blunt
Janet Street-Porter
Posh and Becks
John Cleese
Your Boss!

Unpopular holiday destinations
Beirut
Hull
Grimsby
Scunthorpe
Sahara Desert
North Pole
South Pole
Bermuda Triangle
The Moon
Any village in Gloucestershire where the bus only runs once a week (usually Wednesday afternoons)

Things not to forget to take on holiday
Passport
Tickets
Suncream
Sunglasses
Hat
Magazines
Wet wipes
Suitcase
Teabags
Plasters
A corkscrew / bottle opener
Whoever has the money!

Most popular places to go on a Sunday
The beach
Countryside
Your bed
Someone else s bed
Restaurant
Off licence
Drinks aisle in Tesco
The zoo
Swimming baths
The pub

and the least popular!
B&Q
The mother-in-law s
Supermarket
McDonalds
Work

10 things associated to Liverpool
scouse
Beatles
Liver Bird
Football
2 cathedrals
ferry cross the Mersey
Willy Russell play Blood Brothers
Capital of Culture 2008
St Georges Hall
Lime Street Station

and 10 things you don t!
a herd of elephants
Scunthorpe
Golf
Croquet
Quiet nights in
Quiet nights out
The names Tarquin and Arabella
Ski-hire shops
The Eiffel tower
Membership of Manchester United football club

7 useful hangover cures
2 pints of water before going to bed
2 pints of water before going to the pub
2 pints of water instead of going to the pub

swallow a raw egg (with 2 pints of water)
2 headache tablets (with 2 pints of water)
have someone throw 2 pints of water over your head the next morning
eat a full English breakfast the next morning (won t cure the hangover but much more

 

10 excuses for staying off work
having the runs
alarm not going off
power cut
bus/train/taxi late
car wouldn’t start
grandmother/dog/cat died
acute appendicitis
thought it was Saturday/Sunday/Bank Holiday
kids/cat/dog/goldfish sick
won the lottery!

Unusual situations to eat a sandwich
In an exam room
On the toilet
While having a shower
Swimming the English Channel
Doing a bungee jump
When learning to juggle
While directing traffic
Painting the ceiling

 

The universal British
Drive german cars
Sit on Swedish furniture
Eat Indian Chinese / Italian/american food

exciting that the 2 pints of water!)

Drink Belgian beer
Watch American/Australian soaps on Japanese TV s
Wear Swiss watches
Phone Indian directory services
Eat french apples

Words that sound like what they mean
Hiss
Thump
Moist
Rush
Sip
Simmer
Cool
Chomp
Sponge
Marshmallow
Bounce
Wobble
Squeak
Bubble
Smooth
Float
Sharp
Pointy
Surly
Huff

Ideas for Exam Questions

What is the point of Prince Edward?
Water or Ice? discuss.
Ten continents, only 2 poles? discuss
Compare and contrast (anything you like really!)
How do you like your eggs?
France or Belgium? You decide.

Some new sayings
What happens if we just whisper the odds?
Can’t we just be as keen as horseradish sauce ?
Eat, drink and get fat
A watched kettle actually DOES boil (eventually!)
Too many cooks don t fit into the kitchen
People who live in glass houses shouldn’t be surprised if everyone can see them

You KNOW you are in England when
You pass the sign just past the border with Scotland
Queues whether we need them or not
Bottled water is more expensive than beer
The weather is the main topic of conversation
Everyone is wearing the dullest clothes in the world
Some jobs which sound fun!
Independent adjudicator you get to just stand and watch people pick out prize draws
exam invigilator you get to watch people taking exams without having to do any yourself!

Bingo caller! just need to be a bit imaginative with numbers
Tax collector same as the last one
Leaflet distributor you get to travel around a lot
Window dresser you would get stared at a lot depending on what you were dressing in
Dog walker you get paid for walking someone s dog! weird!
Wine taster say no more!..
Estate agent you would get to see all those lovely houses (and some pretty awful ones too!) but just imagine making up all those wonderful slightly twisted truths they use!
And best of all! bed tester! (well someone has to!!)

10 hobbies which people profess to have on their CV s!!
keep fit
swimming (without sharks )
reading
yoga
rambling
learning a foreign language

stamp collecting (well maybe not!)
theatre
ballroom dancing
gardening

and 10 which tend not to feature!
swimming (with sharks )
bungee jumping
pole dancing
stripper
beating the world record for eating the most baked beans
trainspotting
witchcraftstreaking
sleeping
gambling

(to be continued!...)