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INTRODUCING CLEVER DICK

Richard Piles, otherwise known as Dick, lives with his parents in an 18th Century peasants cottage on the outskirts of Guildford; in deepest Surrey.

Dick is a wily, cunning, adventurous man with an eye for a bargain, whether it's a Max Bygraves record at a jumble or a cheap flirt with the women. Dick is a frustrated virgin who is always taking risks to have a date, but his faux pas are frequent and many. A man who belongs to another time and whose luck is running out! Dick will go any distance to reach his goals of paradise on the cheap. Dick is seen naked on the beach, parading with prostitutes, having his balls greased, trying sex dolls, getting involved with orgies, going on blind dates, meeting Miss Whiplash, listening to raunchy persons on the phone, collecting horse shit, stalked by prowlers, driving with sheep, saving local Loos, rescuing children's toys and in many other incredible and fantastic escapades! What you do, Dick does not! That is why he is a Clever Dick!

DICKS IN GREECE.

I was flying to Greece on one of those budgie airways: flies slowly and you shit in the air!

I could see the mountains, the Adriatic shimmering in the hot summer weather and the sprawling city of Athens below me.

We landed with a few bumps, which caused my hot chocolate to spill all over the nervous woman; next to me. It landed in her lap, which left the husband to rub her crutch with tissues. She kept demanding more, as the man was happy to oblige and she giggled like a sexy college girl.

My thoughts turned to women; not silly, giggly ones. I had been told by Dad that every man enjoys a bit of Greece in the right places. So, I booked into Hotel Hell-anus and went to feast myself on Nana Mousaka and chips. It had a hum about it, like Nana Moussori after a day sweating songs. The chips were inedible, so I used them to prop-up the leaning table.

Now Dicks in town, so I dressed myself up in surplus army shorts and Khaki T-shirt. I looked as smart as Barrymore on a costume party day! Except, I don't pay more than a pound for my clothes and Barrymore is usually found out of them.

I was wondering whether the Greeks have jumble sales, when the dry air was bringing on a terrific thirst. So, I strolled into a Taverna and asked for a bottle of wine. That Retsina tastes like white spirit; I should know I stole it from Dad's shed for my mates. I was learning to follow in my Father's steps and become an alcoholic delinquent. Mostly, I used it to set fire to the old gits' dustbins in the street.

I drunk three bottles of wine; my mind was spinning and the ancient decor appeared as a blur. 1 said, " Etharisto Poli", to the barmen and staggered onto the busy paths. The night was gently creeping over in its black shroud and the dim street lamps flickered, as the waves coated the empty beaches.

" Hello English man. Poss eteh?", said a silky calm voice coming from a doorway.

"No! I'm not pissed and who are you anyway?". My Greek was patchy like the hairs on my head.

A woman dressed in a modest skirt and loose blouse, stepped in front of me, her boobs bursting out of her buttons.

" You want good sex with me?", the Lady spoke most invitingly.

"Sorry love but I can't afford you. I'll treat you to a drink, if you like." I was hoping for a bit more on the side. My monetarist economics extended to loose ladies too.

The scantily dressed lady gave a warm smile from her golden brown face. " We have good time after you buy me champagne".

Champagne! No chance, but what was I going to do, If I was to get laid. Nethertheless, I coaxed her into a disco bar and told the barman to serve the prossy a white wine with a sprinkle of lemonade laced in it. Problem solved! She fell for it; "This is a most unusual champagne. Where does it come from?"

"Greenland, in the Artic, the Eskimos add spring water. Clever Isn't it!".

The midnight hour struck and I helped the Lady back to my hotel. We sneaked past the reception and we fumbled back

to my en-suite room. The trick champers worked; she was all mine for the night. I closed the dust ridden black blinds and switched on the radio. I was too drunk to notice the song was, "My Foolish Heart."

This it seemed to me my last chance to loose my virginity, before I drew my pension. So, I was hot and that was just the weather!

The Lady sat on the edge of my bed. "What should I call you?", I asked politely. She had begun to undo her buttons, covering her ample breasts. " "English man I am called sexy alexy. You are?"

"Richard, but most people call me Dick. I don't know why!"

I grasped Alexy's hand before she had a chance to strip off. I was overcome by adrenalin and my heart was pounding. "Let's just talk for a while." I said nervously.

"You not want sex?", replied the confused woman.

I blushed bright red, " No. It's just I like you very much and I want to know you a bit better"

"What you want to say big Dick?", teased Alexy as I sat beside her on the bed.

"Well, how about our hobbies, interests, you know what I mean?", I asked shyly.

"Hobby, like sambucci?", she suggested with a warm glow in her cheeks.

"What's that? Is it a drink?", I said innocently.

Alexy began to laugh at the thought. " I do it for you specially."

I felt a trifle embarrassed so I thought I would change the subject.

"I use to play marbles at school and have great fun with my marbles;" I spoke enthusiastically like a little boy opening his Chnstmas presents.

"What are marbles? They like our old Greek statues you English stole?", Alexy remarked and she appeared bemused.

"Oh. No. Nothing like that. They are small balls." I ventured.

"You have small balls now?", Alexy said with great delight.

" No. I don't play with balls anymore. It's a sin, my Evangelical Curch is always telling me!" I was on the defensive.

"What do you do now?",spoke the enquiring mind of a prostitute.

"I,I,I watch birds and I know a blue tit when I see one!" I repIied eagerly. " I use binoculars most of the time so I can get a better view of my birds. It's great fun watching them!" I noticed a big cheesy grin on Alexys face.

"You English all same. You come here to look at birds with big tits', exclaimed the sordid mind of Alexy.

"No. I'm a gardener and the birds have wings, like after four bottles of Eskimo champagne. I like spying on them during my tea breaks. It gives colour to a cold winters day." I said convincingly.

"You cold now? I warm you up with my hot hands, Dicky darling."

"No I'm as warm as I can take." her half coconut boobs fixated me. I felt a stirring in my loins, but I was still too fretful, so I kept on and on about the gardening.

Alexy yawned in boredom, until I mentioned the fertilising.

"I enjoy some fertilising now and then."

"You want to fertilise me?". Was she referring to shitting on her? I've heard of golden showers of piss, but this was really, really, really obscene. What would my Minister make of such depravation and moral debasement? I will repent and pray for us sinners, after I finally get my wicked way!

"Why you worry? There nothing wrong in fertility." she reassured me. " It is most clean. I will take clothes off now and you have a nice shower in the bathroom."

Now the time had come. Forgive me Mum, Dad and Minister Thorn. I didn't hesitate. I stripped naked in front of an eager Alexy and turned on the taps.

I began to hum "Quiet Desperation" by some Irish ballad singer; King Puck. I had just my aroused penis, when I heard footsteps and a door close. Shit! The old whore had run off with my only clothing and all my euros!

I ran out bare as I'd could be into the hotel corridor. I was furious. I yelled expletives. I ran howling towards the stairs. Guests flooded out of their bedrooms. My door had locked shut and I vainly attempted to cover my privates with my hands. Then, a mature woman in her 80's came across to me and offered me a fluffy, woollen object.

"I always keep a supply of willy-warmers in case of emergencies!"

I thought I'd have nothing to declare at the airport, except for a blouse and a bright red willy warmer!