Page Title

CONFUSED ABOUT YOUR SEXUALITY?

It is July. It is cold and raining hard. I am walking along Fieldhouse Terrace on my way home. As I pass the newsagents on the corner my eye is caught by a rather interesting little advertisement on a card in the window. I stop to take a closer look. It reads: "Sex change. Reasonable rates. Ask inside for details." I was intrigued so I go inside the newsagent to find out more. The man behind the counter tells me to take the 61 bus to the cross-roads and to get off at the motor cycle shop. Then I was to cross the street and go right into the second-hand book shop and ask for 'Bob'. I thank him and instead of going home I follow his directions.

Inside the second-hand bookshop it is dark and smelly. I walk along the bookshelves for a minute or two before I spot a man sitting behind a counter in a corner where he is reading a newspaper and warming himself in front of a small electric fire. He looks to be around 35 years old . He has long black hair down to his shoulders which is already starting to go grey. He is unshaven. He is wearing a dirty sweater and a pair of torn jeans. I don't like the look of him at all.

"Excuse me, but I'm looking for someone called Bob?"

"That's me."

"It's about the Ad. You know? The one in the newsagents window?"

Bob nods and rises to his feet and lets the newspaper slide onto the floor. He reaches under the counter and pulls open a drawer and hands me a bottle full of little blue pills.

"Take these 3 times a day for a week and then come back and see me."

It is still cold and raining when I return to the second-hand bookshop seven days later. As I enter Bob waves me over to where he is standing at the book of the shop. He tells me to go up the stairs and through the doors at the top. I do as I'm told and I make my way up the stairs treading carefully on the worn out carpet and use my hands to feel for the walls and steady myself. I open the door at the top of the stairs and walk into a very small room with nothing in it except a small mattress on the floor. Bob comes in behind me and tells me to take my trousers off and lie down on the mattress while he goes out to fetch his tools. I am ready when he returns holding a chisel and a hammer in his hand. He asks me if everything is 'okay' and I nod nervously.

"Right then, lets get started" he says in a businesslike manner and kneeling down beside me he begins to examine my right leg, prodding and poking it with his fingers just below the knee.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"You want to be a girl don't you?"

"Well yes. But..."

"But what?"

"But what are you going to do exactly?"

"Make your legs longer of-course. If you want to be a girl you will have to have long legs."

"How?" I ask.

"How?"

"Yes. How will you make my legs longer?"

"I'm going to break your legs. That's how. Just there, below the knee." And he points to the exact spot with a forefinger, "it wont hurt. It's just a little tap that's all." Suddenly I panic, "no one told me anything about breaking legs!" I sit up and reach for my trousers, "maybe I should think about this a bit more."

"What for?" asks Bob sounding annoyed.

"It's a big step," I explain "and I just want to be sure that I am doing the right thing." I'm so embarrassed because I know I am making a fool of myself and by the expression on his face I can tell that Bob is very disappointed in me. But to my relief he makes no attempt to dissuade

me.

"Okay," he says simply as he rises to his feet, "if that's what you want."

"I… I just need more time." I stammer as I pull my trousers back on, "and besides I haven't finished that little bottle of blue pills that you gave me last time."

"Well I'll tell you what then," suggested Bob, "why don't you finish taking those pills and then decide if you want to go ahead or not?"

"Okay." I agree readily.

"Good." Said Bob sounding a little happier…

THE BATTLE OF KURSK

Russia July 1943.

I have no idea where I am. All I know is that I am in the countryside somewhere digging ditches. I am only ten years old and I'm finding the work very hard, especially in this heat. And what makes it even worse is that my overseer doesn't like me. He is a big man with huge muscles and black hair all over his bare chest. On his head he is wearing a small brown cap with a red star on the front. I'm scared of him. He is always shouting at me and telling me to work harder and faster. I try my best but I am not used to this kind of work. The overseer stands over me and keeps shouting at me as I struggle with the spade which is much too big for me.

An old man working in the ditch next to me comes to my rescue and tells the overseer to leave me alone. He is tall and skinny and very brown, just like a hazelnut. "It's no use yelling at the boy," he tells the overseer, "can't you see that he's all in?"

The overseer glares at the old man but then he looks at me and says, "all right, you can fetch the water for the men."

I'm given two old wooden buckets and the overseer points across the fields to a line of trees on a ridge far away on the horizon and he tells me that there I will find a stream from where I can collect the water. It is a very long walk but I don't mind because its better than digging ditches all day long. It's a beautiful day and this is the best summer I can remember. I've never been in the country before and I'm amazed at all the colours, which are so strong and sharp and bright. The yellow corn looks really yellow and the green grass looks very green and the blue sky is so blue. All the colours look so fresh and new. And the sounds are amazing. The countryside is so noisy, just like the city. You can hear everything, even a singing cricket from miles away. And then there are the smells. Everything smells. Nobody ever told me that the earth smells! But what I like best of all is that the air is different in the countryside: it's softer, it's like being cuddled by mummy. And even when the sun is hot it doesn't

Outside it is still raining. I walk to the bus stop to wait for the no. 61 bus. I'm going home. But, I dunno… maybe I will come back when I have finished taking those little blue pills...