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EXCERPT FROM VOLUME 2… Miscellaneous

~"What time is it?". I've asked that question six times today and I keep getting different answers!

~ Do you know how to feel younger? Hang around old people!

~ I don't like going to work on days ending with a "Y". Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday etc.

~ Isn't it daft what you say to your kids? "If I've told you once I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

~ Have you heard the joke about the chicken? It's foul!

~ Three things make up a great person. Intelligence, bad memory, and I forget the third!

~ A new parachute has been developed it opens on impact!

~ Some people play golf religiously, every Sunday!

~ You chase a golf ball when you are too old to chase anything else!

~ My golf is improving. I now miss the ball much closer than I used to!

~ I asked the barman for something tall and cold with plenty of gin in it, and he called his wife over!

~ All these men drinking in pubs, it means they have no wife to go home to , or have they?

~If I told you that you have a beautiful body~ would you hold it against me?

~I'm pathetic in bed. In fact I'm so pathetic I now fantasize that I'm someone else!

~My family tree was chopped down, pulped and made into toilet paper. We've never been so close!

~This place is air conditioned. I've never seen air in this condition!

"May I hold your hand?" "No thanks. It isn't heavy."

~My granddaughter said, "Grandad, can I have Barbie for Christmas?" I said, "Yes, I'm going to Toys'R Us and I'm going to get you a Barbie." "And can I have GI Joe?" I said, "Actually Barbie comes with Ken." "Doesn't grandad, she comes with GI Joe, she fakes it with Ken!"

~ I was coming down the M6 and a copper pulls me up. He said, "Have you been drinking sir?" I said, "I've had one or two." (slur your words) "But have you been drinking heavily?" I said, "Look I've had few alright , why do you ask?" He said, "You're on your lawnmower!"

~ I hear that an old boy of eighty-five was fined last week for making an indecent remark to the wife of the local butcher. He'd gone into the shop and asked, "Do you keep dripping?" She said, "Yes." He said, "Embarrassing isn't it?"

~ So the teacher said to the class, "Consider this sentence: "I didn't have no fun at the weekend." "How should I correct this?" Little Jimmy at the back put his hand up , he said, "Get a boyfriend Miss!"

~ Wasn't it windy this morning? The wind blew my wife's dress up and she grabbed her hat, I said, "You've no knickers on, you can see your

beaver." She said, "Yes, but it's fifty years old, the hat's brand new!"

~ Picture this: Old boy in an retirement home sitting on a chair. Every so often he leans over to the left and immediately a care worker rushes over and straightens him up. Later that day his son comes to visit and asks his dad if the home is treating him well. He said, "Yes and no, the beds are comfortable, the foods nice but they wont let me fart!"

~ Haven't we seen some changes these days? It's not the same as it used to be is it? It was much better when it was a lot simpler, a lot slower, we had proper food, proper discipline and men were in charge... it was a lot better then wasn't it... No, don't give me any of that feminist nonsense, you can't deny the fact that we men are physically and mentally the stronger sex, there's no doubt about it (wait for reaction). Don't you poo poo me, I'll give you an example, you never hear a man complain when he's ill do you ... (into next gag).

(Tuning up with a band) B flat please. (pianist plays B flat). B natural. (pianist plays B natural). No don't play, I said be natural. I said that this afternoon at rehearsal and he put on high heels!

~ After school when the children were getting on the bus the driver used to say, "Blacks at the back, whites at the front." He got pulled up for this what with colour prejudice and all that. He apologised, said it wouldn't happened again and in future all children would be the same colour. He said, "To me all children are green. Right, dark greens at the back light greens at the front!"

~ Hasn't it been cold lately? This morning I saw a dog stuck to the lamppost. I was walking through the park and I saw a flasher describing himself!

~ Cannibal went on holiday, came back a week later one of his legs missing. His friend said, "What happened to you?" He said, "It's the last time I go self catering!"

~ "Dad. Now that I'm fourteen can I wear silk stockings and a bra?" "No, Derek, you can't!"

EXCERPT from VOLUME 1...One Liners

~ When a man has a birthday he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday she takes a year off!

~ Bowling is the second most popular indoor sport!

~ The annual general meeting of the Clairvoyant's Society has been postponed due to unforeseen circumstances!

~Always remember folks, if you look like your passport photo, you're too ill to travel!

~ Heard about the Sumo wrestler who had to retire? He kept getting nappy rash!

~ Do the people in Glogamarra ever wonder how we are?

~ I can remember the first laugh I got, mind you the lady was good about it, she gave me my money back!

~ I live in a rough area, a man down our street was arrested for possessing a chewed off shotgun!

~ I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

~ I once knew a prison warder who could tap dance, he was known as a self tapping screw!

~ My twin brother forgot my birthday!

~ Got up this morning, put my shirt on and the button fell off! Picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off! Daren't go to the toilet!

~ I'm reading this book, "The History of Glue." and I can't put it down!

~ I used to file my nails. Then I thought, "What's the point in keeping them."

~ My favourite composer is Handel who later teamed up with Hinge and Bracket to form The Doors!

~ And then my dad's sister came into the room spinning around in circles. I thought, "Oh my giddy aunt."